I may not be there yet, but I’m closer than I was yesterday. ~Author Unknown
There comes a time when a person tosses away things that don’t mean as much as they used to. A time to climb out of the shell of who they once were and say this is me, deal with it. I have dealt with a lot in the last year. Some know about it others do not. My reasons for keeping quiet about it are my own. It is more of a respect to the parties involved and ones that I am no longer to see or have any sort of relationship with. It has been a while since I posted something this personal, and I felt it was time. The third draft of my book should *crosses fingers* be done by the end of June. That is what I am working towards. I have let go of the childish things of my past. Have forgiven people who have wronged me in my way. I know that they may not forgive me, that is something I will deal with, again my way.
I have taken to writing the way I took to ice skating as a child. “A duck to water” I believe is the correct phrase. I began by writing poetry, what I thought was poetry. I found it to be starts and stops of stories more than poetry. The time came with my writing, as it does with most writers, when I decided to chase what I wanted. Once I chose this path I set forth rules. I must spend time with my wife and kids, regardless of how long it took to finish the first draft. Second I must read any book that helps me get to where I want to be. These have been my grail, the one thing that has guided me more than anything else. I have taken writing classes, read books by authors who taught in the field of creative writing ( John Gardner among others).
I knew taking this path would not be easy, sometimes it is the things that are hard that we learn the most from. When I first received the item that made me decide to give up on things and people I was upset by the tone and the voice used. I came to realize after six months that the person writing the item did not know who I was. The person could not relate to who I am. Did not understand why I am the man who I choose to be. Has no idea what my goals were in life. I did things in my life (joining the Marines, going to College) because I wanted this person to be proud of who I am.
The last six months have taught me that somethings are impossible. Among these are, writing 15 thousand words in a week, that one I learned fast. I have taken it down to 10 thousand words. That goal I have achieved more than once. Also that spending time with my kids and my wife is more important than anything (even my writing). Finally, that I don’t have to prove myself to any one but me. That I am proud of who I am is enough for me.It took me a long time to find out who I was. It took even longer to decide that my life is better served being the husband, father and writer I want to be.
I choose this life and whatever comes after it to better myself for my wife, children and me. If I make friends and repair broken relationships along the way that would be fine. If not I have my wife and kids. I began this journey to please one person. The last year that changed. I changed.
Becoming who I am is more important than living up to someones version of who they want me to be. As I said before, this is me deal with it. The shell is open, I am on my feet. I still believe in me, because sometimes that is how it starts.