Beginning to dissect a novel is something that I did in high school and in college. It is nothing new to take a book and take all the metaphors for everything and compile them. Some writers do it intentionally others, like myself do it without even knowing it. Reading my stuff and analyzing it is something I never wanted to do for personal reasons. But opening myself to the experience is different from analyzing another writer. Being judgmental about your own writing and the meanings behind all the imagery is very odd.
Since beginning the rewrite process, and believe me after all I have learned in the last four months about writing, is going to take a rewrite to make this novel the way I want it. It is far from perfect. Finding what I wanted to say, where the story goes, and who I believe everyone in the book is has made the book even better to me. For me writing has always been an escape, a way to deal with things my conscious mind never wanted to. Whether it is family, relationships, or my own personal demons, writing has always been a way to get in my head and let the emotions out. The finished novel is no different from any poem I have written. Seeing into my mind from a novel perspective has made me realize a few things about who I am, where I came from and how much farther I have to go. Sitting at my desk, the fingers on the keys I sense that I am nearly there, I know I have a long way to go with my writing, but I also know I have one hell of a support crew behind me.
The only place I have ever been able to hide who I am is in the dark parts of my mind; it is the only place I can run when my life is getting too much to deal with. I have certain security systems in place because of my childhood. I am not saying I have a personality disorder, but there are times when I can detach myself and step away from the situation without leaving. This can come through in many ways, I have certain things I have clung to in my life that are metaphors for this detachment. I see them in my writing and I see them in everyday life. I know some of the people close to me know them too. Everything will be better, my life will get better as long as I write and keep the demons on the page and in the darkness in my mind.
When I start to get a little frenetic at work or home I know the demons are speaking, or in my case the dragon is trying to get out. I know that some may read this and think I am totally nuts, but hey, it’s the way I deal with life. Some people deal with their demons through drugs, alcohol; mine I use the words on the page.