Fear, forgiveness, reconciliation and loving someone anyway

No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path. ~ Buddha

This past weekend I began to set a few things in motion. My post on Monday shows part of that. After being stuck for nearly two months on a story I have decided to put it away and let it sit for an undetermined amount of time. The reason behind this was stated at the end of Monday’s post.

For those that didn’t read Monday’s post this is what the last line said, “I I can’t let my wife down.” She is the reason I’m allowed to write. She gives me the free time I need to do what I want. She takes the hits when I could be spending time with her, I’m writing. I do this not to be rude or because I don’t love her, I do this–and she knows–because I’m a writer and it’s what I feel I must do.

I’ve wanted to be a writer since I was fourteen years old. It is only now that I am thirty-five that I have that chance. I have the encouragement from the people that care about me and I no longer worry about what people think, I’m passed that.

Back to what I was saying about setting things in motion, before I started to praise my wife and her support.

This past weekend I watched “Batman Begins” I’ve always loved the Batman mythology. It is one of my favorites in all of comics. I’ve always been a fan of DC Comics over Marvel anyways and Batman is one of the bigger ones.

Watching the movie I realized that right now I am Bruce Wayne. I recently did something big that will make an impact on myself. I’m also beginning to understand my Buddhism more and I am beginning to work not just on my mind but on my body and getting both of them in harmony with each other.

Bruce Wayne’s journey through the beginning of the movie shows one man’s courage against things he can’t control and the fear that lies within himself. I am finding the fear within me, the fear of not doing something I know I can do. I am beginning to understand the movie from the standpoint not just of a movie but of the journey of a man dealing with his fears.

My fear used to be my father not accepting who I am or not being proud of who I am, that was why I joined the Marine Corps, not for myself but for my dad.

Everything I’ve done to this day has been to make my father proud and everything I’ve failed at I’ve been fearful he would hate me because of it. I can’t change that. I’ve also accepted the fear of disappointing him and have learned that my father is the person he is for a reason and I love him anyway. He is my dad and regardless of what may have happened to us I forgive him. I want him to be happy. Just as I want anyone I meet to be happy.

The practice of peace and reconciliation is one of the most vital and artistic of human actions. ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

I am no longer afraid or fearful or disappointing anyone except my wife and myself. Fear can run our lives if we let it. Or we can conquer it and become something else entirely. We can become like Batman, an icon for those to look at and say I would like to be like that some day. I wanted to be a superhero as a kid, now I’m okay with being who I am.


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