Something happened to me over the weekend. Call it whatever you want, but it is something!
Cascading like the rhythm of a trance beat, it feels like the heart is back. I was once repulsed by how it felt, but today it feels like a renewal, a feeling of change. I knew something was coming. I knew that change was going to happen, but I didn’t know it would be like this. I never thought she would raise her head again. The roar she let was what caused my writing to go dark and things in my head to go all different.
It has been a while since I felt her claws in my skin, it feels like an old friend has come back to me. This friend knows me well. She was there in the darkest times, she’s been here when I needed her most. She hid away and kept me alive when I thought I couldn’t go on any longer in middle school, or when I hated life in college.
This darkness has been my savior time and again, she makes me trade my soul for what she teaches me about my writing, my sanity and who I wish to be. She tries to keep me safe, but still I find no release until Saturday. That one post felt like freedom.
I’ve been looking for something, but she was there waiting for me to come back to her. Waiting for me to climb in her lap, bury my head in her hair and wait for her to whisper stories in my ear. She isn’t what I thought, but she is what I needed. I’ve found my terrible darkness again and she’s found me. I know my writing will get dark, and that is fine. I want it to, because without her I’m a child lost in a golden field surrounded by light. I’ve never liked the light very much, I’d rather stay in my glorious darkness.
I feel most comfortable hiding in the corner of mind, playing with things that only a psychopath would tinker with. I know where this leads. I’ve jumped, she’s caught me and we’re still running through the forest. She’s my muse, my darkness, my inner shadow. That which makes me write. I know that we’re all lost sometimes, but I’m found.
Finally, I’m found!